Happy Tuesday everyone,
The day I did
this presentation I had forgotten my flashcards in my car so I had to go back and get them. When I came back to the class I had to wait outside because someone else was presenting. As I waited for a polite time to enter, another student from the class walked up and waited with me. She introduced herself and said I looked really cute in my outfit and then asked my pronouns . . . I flusteredly explained that I identify as female and was born female. She then asked if it was an impolite question.
I can't speak as someone who identifies as non-binary, transgender, etc but I can speak as someone in the community who has some experience with people on different levels of the gender spectrum.
It's not impolite to ask someone their pronouns. It may make them feel a little embarrassed or flustered but it is much better than guessing or assuming and using the wrong pronoun. I explained this to her. I said personally the question flusters me because I am not prepared to answer it but typically people who are not cisgender (someone who identifies with the gender they assigned at born) have a response ready and are grateful that you asked. People who politely ask this question show support for whatever answer they are give just in asking.
Some things to remember are:
The answer is subject to change, meaning not only may a person identify as one gender and years later decided they are another, for some people it changes day-to-day. This is most common with genderfluid, I believe. So they may tell you it changes day-to-day or just tell you how they are feeling that day or they may ask that you use the pronoun "they" which is gender-neutral. Some people have a hard time using "they" even though we use it all the time (If you read back this paragraph you can see I used "they" but you probably didn't notice and I didn't either). "They" usually takes some getting used to but even if you do forget if you apologize and make an effort (this goes for all pronouns) it is greatly appreciated.
An example for using they in place of he/she pronouns:
She gave me a book. It's his book.
They gave me a book. It's their book.
In the community, we consider gender as a spectrum meaning it is not just man and woman. There is also people who identify with both or neither. So don't ask if they use he or she pronouns or identify as man or woman because that may not be the answer you get. Don't give them an A and B option when there is C - non of the above and D - all of the above. Simply ask them their pronouns. Like this for example;
YES: "Would you mind my asking what pronouns you go by?"
NO: "Are you a boy or a girl?"
Something else to think about is the answer may not always be solid at the time you ask them. Figuring out who you are is a long and difficult process that may never end. So they may say they aren't sure, And that's okay.
Above all be polite and respectful of their answer. You don't have to agree with whether or not gender is a spectrum. I'm not going to tell you that you are wrong. But I am going to tell you to respect how someone identifies just as I am respecting that you may have a different opinion than I do.
A metaphor that keeps popping in my head is vegans and vegetarians. I may not want to be either of those but that doesn't mean I don't respect that other people are. I don't tell vegetarians they are crazy and need to eat meat. And I ask the same respect from vegans and vegetarians. Your lifestyle is fine but don't tell me I have to stop eating meat.
The gay agenda to make everyone gay is not a thing! The LGBTQIA+ community's "agenda" (in my experience and opinion) is to be accepted and to accept others. We don't force anyone to be anything but who they are.
Totally Ky
