It's 12:30 In The Morning (What An Original Title)

Happy Tuesday everyone,

It's 12:30 in the morning. Which means a couple of things. It is in fact Tuesday and I have been inspired to the point of not sleeping. This is completely normal for a creative mind so don't worry. While I'm very tired and will be tomorrow in class I actually embrace late night inspiration because it is rare and amazing in my opinion. It makes me happy. And being tired is my fault for binge watching one of my favorite youtubers who never fails to inspire me.

My notebook is a mixture of lined pages, coloring pages and sticky notes (I may do a later blog about my current notebook.). The sticky notes are used for small ideas that I don't want to waste the lined paper on and little sketches that don't belong on lined paper.

It's October! (Which is why I look like a werewolf today. Also my brain isn't working chronically. Do try to follow along.) And in the Norris/Collins/Keyes/Graham house, this means Christmas lists are in the work. This is just how my family is. So I start thinking about my Christmas list for friends. This is actually a good thing to do early because I can buy things a little at a time and I can also make things.

My friend is an artists. (The first few words of these last three paragraphs make me laugh. My notebook - It's October! - My friend is an artist. Just keeping you on your toes.) And the youtuber I was watching is an artist, so when I saw one of these behind her (When I don't know the name of something I make up some jargin that involves thingamajigy so I thought this
strategy was better.) it gave me an idea for my friend for Christmas. I will not give details because I do not know if she reads this.

So I sketched it on a stickynote in my notebook (I used the black and white photo as reference for the drawing but I also included a picture of the actual figure.) for reasons that have to do with details you do not get to know. It was when I was drawing the figure that I became inspired. Now I did a quick sketch. I find when I do quick sketches without worrying about how it comes out I am more satisfied. If I focus on making it perfect I am unable to achieve said perfection and become frustrated. When I drew this figure I tried to make it look like the figure. Obviously. But when it was done I realized that my bias somehow worked into the picture. I managed to keep the length of the limbs accurate to the picture even though I am short and I also gave the figure a reasonable neck when I have been accused of not having one. What did make it into the picture is wider hips which make for a bigger thigh gap. You would think the thigh gap meant I made a skinny person but really I was making room for big thighs. But because I made the limbs accurate to the picture, there are no big thighs.

There is another aspect of my bias that is hard to explain in words without being with you and showing you. Of course I will try anyways. Because I have underarm fat, my arms are farther away from my torso to make room for that extra fat. If that makes sense. Gosh people are going to be analyzing my body the next time they see me. There is a sort of gap between the arms and torso of the figure.

The figure is not made to discriminate bodies. It is simply made as a very general reference for artists. It has joints that can move into positions so they artist can look at that and see what a person might look like in that position. The figure is simply an average person. It could even be compared to a skeleton. Body weight is meant to be added.

But when I drew my average person it became obvious to me that my bias was involved. Even when I tried to make an average person like the figure I ended up making what I see as an average person. To me an average person doesn't have a thigh gap. They have bigger hips and some arm fat.

My body is above average. By that I mean I am heavier than the average person. So when I see an average body I see someone a bit smaller than me. But to some people that person is larger than what they think of as an average person. What I am trying to say is we all have a different view of what is normal as well as what we are attracted too.  What is big to one person may be small to another. While you might find you own body type unattractive someone else does.

If I continue this will become just another body positivity blog post that I do so I am going to stop there and go to sleep. (Rereading the last couples paraphs I realize it isn't well written but I'm not going to fix it.)

Good night everyone,
Totally Ky

"You are Fearfully and Wonderfully Made"

Happy Tuesday Everyone,

 I recently went to the beach (Left) with friends and for the second time in my life I wore a bikini top. The first time was my graduation party at my aunt's community pool (next two pictures, the right is from my Instagram where I change my name a lot). I thought going to the beach would have been less of a big deal because it was the second time and the first went so well. But the beach was more public and the friends I went with didn't know about my body positivity journey. The experience went well just as the first had save a nip slip that lasted about two seconds thanks to a new friend. Now my trip to the beach wasn't really the reason behind the blog post but rather the background.

While sitting comfortably in the sand after looking for shells with holes in them to make necklaces, my friend, who was being turned into some sort of sand creature, made me sit on her other side to provide her a buffer from some unwanted attention. I sighed and grunted as I got up and upon sitting down I said something like, "I'm fat and lazy (complain, complain, complain)." Then sat in my new spot.

This prompted a comment from someone the group had met earlier in the day (the same newcomer who witnessed my nip slip). "Don't put yourself down."

My reply was quick. "I didn't say fat was ugly now did I?" The only thing I was putting down was my ass in the sand. Not my self esteem or anything else.

To the severe displeasure of my mom, I have taken up calling myself fat. The word has changed for me. People tell me "not to put myself down" because we are taught to think fat is ugly. But I am fat. And I am beautiful.

When I was a kid I was called fat on the playground. I understood they were calling me ugly. That word had so much power over me and I wanted it back. I don't want "fat" to be an ugly word that gives people power over me and my feelings. So I took the word back for myself. I changed the meaning. Fat just means you have extra weight. That extra weight doesn't make you any less beautiful.

When I looked at my belly with hateful eyes I realized it was crazy to hate my body type when it's the exact body type I am attracted to. When I look at my belly and thighs with fresh eyes I come to the conclusion  that if I met myself, at least on a superficial level, I would be all over that, While I had hated my own belly I would think it was so cute on someone else. While I had been insecure about my big thighs I would love them on another girl. If I met another girl with my exact body type and she told me she felt bad about herself I would be all sorts of reassuring. I would think she was gorgeous! I would be hard core flirting for her number and hints that she liked girls. While I wouldn't like a girl with my unapologetic, stubborn and rude personality, I would be all over a girl that looked like me. Sometime we just have to look at ourselves with fresh eyes. Would you hate another person with qualities you carry that you don't like?

In Summary: Body positivity
Love yourself
Fat is beautiful

Good night all,
Totally Ky

Here's an extra little . . . nip slip.

I got out of the water and this guy the group had met earlier in the day before I arrived rushed over to me and discretely told me my nipple could be seen  by the general public. While he did this he also blocked me from the group we were with behind him so no one else could see while I readjusted. Before hand I had been really upset with this guy but this and his later profuse apologies changed my opinion. When I later int he beach adventure told the group about his little show he kept apologizing. Saying he didn't mean to be a perv looking there and all that but I reassured him I was grateful and he did it in the most respectful way possible. He didn't laugh or tell anyone else so they could see and he immediately told me while blocking me from other eyes. Cool dude. Couldn't have asked for a better nip slip witness.

A BIG issue

Happy Tuesday everyone I forgot it was Tuesday,

If you've read my post "Sticks and Stones" or know me well in person, you know I have been overweight for most of my life. I also hated my body most of my life. I am now at the point where I can, as one of my teachers said, "celebrate my body". I like who I am and that includes what I weigh and look like, now that doesn't mean I don't want to lose weight or get rid of this acne, but I don't hate myself or feel like I NEED to change. Now because I hated my body, I hated a lot of other people's bodies too. I projected how I felt towards myself onto other people. I hated plus size people because I saw in them what I hated in me. And I also hated people who weighed less than me because I thought they had it easy. This, of course, is not true. 

I let go of my hate slowly when I started dating someone (over Skype, I do not recommend it) who had the same feelings about her body, but she was very thin. She thought she was fat so she didn't eat very much. I couldn't understand this because I was an overeater who weighed probably a hundred pounds more than her but she felt like the disgusting one. It was mind-boggling to me that she could hate her body. I didn't think anyone like her could. I had hated people like her because I thought life was so much easier for them.

I know this seems hypocritical if you've read my last few posts, but like I said I'm not there anymore. As I got to know this person I let go of my hate for people who weighed less than me. Once she exposed her insecurities about her body I shared mine. She didn't think I was fat or ugly which was confusing to me because she thought she was. I think our acceptance of each other made us let go of our own insecurities. We didn't think anyone could love us with the way we looked but then there was someone who could. I didn't hate myself anymore or anyone like me.

It's funny because as soon as I became comfortable with my body and accepting of other's this topic became something I'm really passionate about. I always try to make people feel beautiful no matter what their size or what they look like and I won't stand for anyone putting themselves or others down. 

I think it's ridiculous to be discriminatory towards someone because of what they look like. We are all different inside and out. Life would be boring if we all looked the same. Instead of putting yourself down because of your differences you should be celebrating it. Who wants to be like everyone else? I personally want to be special.

Until next time,

Totally Ky

P.S I've decided  to boycott commas

Redefine beauty Ji Yeon "Draw on me"
Also, let me know what you guys think about this.